"My husband always supports his mother" - the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. This can't happen when a husband feels like loving his wife will somehow keep him from loving and respecting his mother. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. If you stayed at work until everything was finished, if you took advantage of every opportunity that came your way, if you sought out every angle to maximize your abilities, improve your job skills, and advance your career, you would never go home. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. He may not have even questioned it. In those situations, its always difficult to take sides when some major or minor conflicts happen. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. If your husband puts his family ahead of you and your children, communicating in thoughtful and direct ways is an important first step in helping him change his priorities Your Wife, Your Priority If your husband constantly chooses or sides with his family over you, it is time for the two of you to take a hard look at your priorities. Indian mothers-in-law are said to be pretty possessive about their sons and so, at times they cause unnecessary fights and arguments with their daughter-in-law. He has to want it. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. My wife constantly pleaded with me to not drink, not drink too much, or to not go out at all I'd still go out, drink too much and get drunk . It's completely natural that one person might need to take a back seat to something critical the other is going through, like a grueling, busy period at work or a health concern with a family. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, 1. Mothers-in-law usually feel threatened by the presence of another woman in their sons life. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Some people might be absolutely okay with older family members making decisions for them and ruling their lives so they dont have to adult, but if one of you is okay with this and the other isnt, then theres going to be conflict. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. It is up to them as a couple how they work through it. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. The problem isn't your job. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. In account of this, we bring to you some useful pieces of advice you can take heed of when your husband choose his family over you. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. The problem was, he loved them more than me." Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. Loving your mother and loving your wife are two completely. I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant. 2. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. Because change starts within. And men were not made to choose. But, I refuse to become a victim of toxic behavior anymore. Dont try to criticize their views or tell them that they are wrong for making those views heard. And now after 4 years of marriage, when I am insulted in front of you, you hardly have a word to say. That's why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. Of course, you work. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. Relationships . However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. We've detected your location as Mumbai. I refuse to be abused in the name of sanskaar and elders respect. You comfort them because they know you're safe and secure and that their grandchildren are well cared for. What is the reason for it? What Lies Do to a Marriage? If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. Focus on yourself. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. If my dignity is being squashed by your own parents, you will choose to stay silent. Suggest spending more time together as a family. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Why is it that mothers find it that difficult to see their son be. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. They have more finesse when handling such circumstances because they belong to the same gender, they have more experience while dealing with their own mothers, and then they are more in tune with themselves than the male counterpart. Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. So those nights you choose alcohol over me, please remember, I make you a priority, even when you have no reason to be one. They are there almost as soon as the first coo releases from the childs mouth. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. Hence, the only solution here is to be firm about your stance and ask your husband to equally respond to both sides of the argument. If you feel strongly that your husband's family scorns you and keep thinking "My husband's family scorns me", it's important to have a conversion to not let it continue to happen and to form a united front when you're discussing the issue with your husband's family. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. Or, if he goes away to get help at a rehab facility, this will give you and your girls sufficient distance from his struggles. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. Such incidents will, obviously, lead to arguments and fights. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. Do not let her put you down. Does your husband provide a large part of his income to his parents and family that leaves you and the kids struggling at the end of the month? We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Really close. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. Rather than reducing my pain, you asked me to develop a habit of bearing that pain silently. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. 3) Find Your Independence. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. Your husband might be deeply attached to his mother or is completely influenced by her but do not ever let her put you down. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. They are not pleased, especially, if they think that her daughter-in-law is not suitable for her son which is almost always the case. Basically, by behaving the way hes doing now, hes in breach of contract. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. 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